Choosing Life

I remember being in the Salt Lake City Airport. It was the summer of my divorce, and I had just lost a baby. She was twenty six weeks in utero, and I delivered her, but left the hospital breasts full, and hands empty. It was a low point, to say the least. Many well meaning friends would say trivial comments, “It’s for the best.” Stuff that let them off the hook, but made me feel sour. I would lie in my bed and wonder how hard it needed to get before it felt better. The girls and I were heading to our annual family trip to Montana. I was heavy hearted from my loss, and full of woe at the trek ahead. We brought our new kitten, our family lap dog, car seats, toy bags, purses. When I think back, I can’t remember a finger that was free to discipline or offer direction. We arrived at our gate, for our two hour lay-over. The girls scurried to let the cat out of the bag, play with the dog, and giggle/argue with one another. I stepped back and caught my breath. As I watched them play and love their animals, I thought how hard the last few months had been: fighting for my girls, carrying and losing a baby, defending myself to friends that wanted to choose sides. It was overwhelming and harder than I ever imagined a beginning of a journey to be, but in that moment, out of breath and empty inside, I believed that as hard as it was it was a lot easier than being in a marriage full of hate and anger. I knew in that small space, intercoms overhead and suitcases whizzing by, that whatever I had to defend was necessary for a new life.

Today is thirteen years forward. Again, we are packing up our things to head out to Montana. Our family lap dog is very old-he is partially blind and deaf, we have since lost the kitten to a stroke, and my girls are growing to be young women. I look back to the moment of exhaustion and ask myself if it was worth it after all? I have become more than I ever imagined for myself. My friendships are true, and the relationships I have built are deep and defended. My daughters are sure of themselves, and full of love and life. My oldest daughter finished her first year of college. She just emailed me from a volunteer trip to Thailand. She is helping to save the elephants and the abuse that they undergo. My younger daughter is in high school. She is funny, and has more friends than I can keep track of. Everywhere she goes people comment on her tender heart. I live in a new home, with neighbors who love us. We are surrounded by love and grace.

Choices in life aren’t always easy. It wasn’t easy to walk away from what I knew. It was hard to face a life alone, pregnant and young. I wondered often if I was doing the right thing; if my life would ever look different. The only way to have different is to do something different. I chose life, and I think from the results it was hard, but worth it.