Recycling of the Heart

Okay so this week hasn't been great. A broken heart once again. Oh the trials of being a single mom, dating and trying to figure out life and love. Just when you think it's safe to go in the water, the love monsters roar and crush the heart. Sounds a little dramatic? Maybe, but it's not easy sailing. I have been divorced for about 13 years. People are amazed when I share this, but most of my friends that were divorced after me, are already remarried and divorced again. I like to think that I am the tortoise in the fable of love. Just plodding along, taking my time. I've dated plenty, had my heart tossed around again and again, but it all comes back to my girls and my solitary life. I can honestly say- and some may find it rigid- but my girls have never had to wake up to a strange man at our breakfast table, they haven't had to look over to see Romeo kissing their mother, holding her hand or any other uncomfortable moments that they might need to endure. My philosophy on this has always been that this is our home. They need to feel safe here. So far, so good. Unless he is a fiance or a husband-no need for the residual memories after he has gone.

This week, my girls have gotten to see their mama with another broken heart. I have been dating someone for the last ten months and felt like he could possibly have been a kindred spirit. He lived a plane ride away, divorced and raising his kids. He was living his life, and I was living mine. We'd fly off and meet for a weekend, connecting and experiencing life together. My girls are both older (high school and college) and his kids are with their mother every other weekend. I honestly, couldn't imagine a better set up. Neither one of us pressuring each other for more time, or to move...just enjoying the journey.

Last week he informed me it was too much. He was overwhelmed. Needed space. Of course this makes me laugh everytime-you can only imagine why this is funny. Space between three states isn't enough? There isn't another woman, there isn't a fight, no conflict...but here is what I understand about divorce.

Divorce is such a painful process. When I left my marriage, I wasn't sure who I was. I gave myself over completely to my spouse. I tried to be the perfect wife-failing in the eyes of my controlling husband. I battled my way through and finally had a moment of truth with myself. I needed to be free, and live my life that was given to me. I left and never looked back. What happened after was painful and enlightening. I learned about myself and my character and strength. I think for a long time I needed to nurture the girl that once was, and figure out who she was again. Anytime love knocked on my door, I ran away. Of course the "love" that rattled was different face knockers of controlling men wanting to save this damsel from the woes of single motherhood. All I wanted was an understanding ear, and someone to laugh with. I was riding my own white horse. Someone who truly understood me was hard to find. Most men, I found wanted ownership, and they wanted it quickly. I was anxious about anything moving too quick. Of course, my marriage started after only an eight month courtship and ended after 6 and a half dreadful years. Slow paced was the name of my new game. I didn't know that thirteen years was my pace, but I've been busy.

My heartbreak is solid. Cracked in many pieces. I feel like Humpty Dumpty. But my daughters have been tender. My youngest is unsure what to say. She sees me cry and is ignorant to the woes of love gone awry. I am thankful for her misunderstanding. I feel grateful that her heart is in tacked. She keeps checking on me, and wants reassurance that I will be okay. My older daughter calls from college nightly. She gives me love advice that is sweet, things like "He will realize how great you are and be sorry!" or "Don't call him, make him miss you...he needs to feel the void!" and my favorite, "I'll buy you a kitty!" She called the next day after her sage words and said, "Mama-it's hard to give you advice because it's all the things you have said to me." Her heart broke a year ago, and it was a painful event. I love that she has empathy now and can be tender. Recycled advice.

These are the lessons of life. We love and cry, heal and rejoice. Nothing is a promise, but what is good is the journey that I have ventured on with my daughters. We have learned about heartbreak together. We have learned about intimacy of the purest kind. I have protected and sheltered them from chaos, and yet they still see that their mother wants to have her heart held by another. Thirteen years, and still mosying along. Divorce isn't easy. It's a journey of the soul.